


I don't love you

by tsookiemonster



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, M/M, pain and nothing but pain
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:02:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29265468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsookiemonster/pseuds/tsookiemonster
Summary: In the dark, like always. Hidden. A secret even to the ones closest to them.That’s where their lips meet each other and share the conversation they withheld from everyone else. Time always seem to roll slower than usual as they find the satisfaction to their desires. But even then, after all that, Iwaizumi didn’t have the right to call him his.Because Oikawa wasn’t.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	I don't love you

As the two sat on the couch with Oikawa’s head leaning on Iwaizumi’s shoulder, the former ace looked at his best friend’s face, admiring the soft features accentuated by the serene expression he had when he was sleeping.

Oikawa had always been a complicated person. Iwaizumi knew that. And yet, even now he’s still confused as to why their situation was what it was— friends who were doing things that friends don’t usually do. It started off as a simple experiment to seek answers to Oikawa’s questions that soon led to a drastic shift in their relationship, one that became irreversible no matter how much they wanted to deny it.

The first time Iwaizumi felt Oikawa’s lips on his was also the day he realized how much more he wanted from the person he called shitty. That very same day was also when Oikawa realized that who he always thought he was his whole life was probably the wrong person, that maybe there was more to him that even he didn’t know about.

And now they were stuck in a complex situation with a secret that they couldn’t let out.

Iwaizumi’s expression slowly shifted to a melancholic one as he pondered over his own thoughts. They had no romantic ties to each other and yet he was learning to love Oikawa in that way. Iwaizumi was fully aware that if someone else had told him this situation and asked for an advice, he would tell them straight-up tell them to leave because they shouldn’t settle for something like that when they know they want more. And yet, now that he was in that position, he was aware he couldn’t do that.

Even if he left, he knew that he’d come back to Oikawa anyways. He always does.

* * *

“Come on, Iwa-chan!”

Iwaizumi sighed as he walked towards Oikawa with his hands in his pockets. The aspiring pro athlete decided to stay over for the night again and even woke Iwaizumi up in the middle of it just because he wanted to make a short trip to the convenience store. And of course, although he was too tired to even leave the comfort of his home, Iwaizumi still complied.

“Why do you even want to buy something during this ungodly hour, Shittykawa?”

Oikawa turned around with a pout as Iwaizumi continued to make his way to him.

“It’s your fault, Iwa-chan. You don’t have milk bread in your house!”

“Why would I even have milk bread in my house?” Iwaizumi asked, giving Oikawa an irritated look.

“I go at least twice a week and you still don’t keep milk bread in your house?”

Iwaizumi shook his head, now walking faster than Oikawa.

“Iwa-chan! Wait for me!”

Iwaizumi entered the store with Oikawa only being seconds behind. Because of how they constantly go to this specific store, Iwaizumi already knew which aisle to go for his best friend’s favorite food. Oikawa was the first to arrive there, as expected, and grabbed an armful of stock of his favorite food.

“Your love for milk bread is absolutely shocking and I mean it in the cruelest way possible,” Iwaizumi said.

“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa pouted.

Iwaizumi scrunched his face, making it seem like he was disgusted by his best friend when it was actually the opposite. He was trying not to give in and admit that Oikawa’s expression made his heart pound faster in his chest.

“I’m grabbing a drink,” Iwaizumi said, walking away.

The former ace pinched the bridge of his nose as he let a sigh escape his lips. Once again, he realized just how far he had fallen. He looked at the glass door that sealed the refrigerator where the drinks were kept and where his image was lightly reflected. He avoided his reflection as he opened the door to grab a random bottle.

He stared at the bottle in his hand after closing the door. Why did he even pick that bottle? He didn’t really know. It’s not like he liked the taste. It was just what he normally got, his ordinary pick.

“Is that… Iwaizumi?”

The said man looked to his side where he heard the whisper of his name. After taking a few seconds, he recognized them as the former captain and vice-captain of the Karasuno team during that time he and Oikawa faced them.

“Oh, it is!” said the man with the light gray hair. “Hi!”

Iwaizumi just nodded, acknowledging Sugawara’s greeting.

“Koushi,” Daichi said with a hushed tone. He looked at Iwaizumi and gave him an apologetic smile. “Sorry about that. He had a bit of a drink.”

“It’s okay,” Iwaizumi assured, only noticing at that moment that Sugawara was leaning on Daichi for support. His eyes landed on their hands that seemed to be intertwined for reasons other than just support.

“Iwa-chan! What’s taking you so…. long?”

Oikawa glanced at where Iwaizumi was looking and saw the familiar faces he didn’t expect he’d see, especially in the middle of the night.

“Daichi,” Sugawara said, his voice a little slurred. “I wanna go home.”

“We need to buy you some coffee first. Also, you didn’t bring your keys remember? You can’t get inside your house without them,” Daichi said.

“Eh?”

Daichi shook his head lightly but still looked at Sugawara with a small smile on his face. He lifted his head and gave a small nod to Iwaizumi before walking away, practically dragging Sugawara to the cashier.

Oikawa walked towards Iwaizumi with his milk bread supply reduced to only four.

“Was that….” Oikawa snapped his fingers repeatedly as he tried to remember the nickname he had given before to the gray-haired man. “…. Mr. Refreshing?”

“Yeah.”

“They seem to be really good friends,” Oikawa said.

“Dumbass.” Iwaizumi only gave Oikawa a straight-faced expression as the said man gave him an offended look. “Didn’t you see their hands and the way he looked at him?”

* * *

Iwaizumi had always enjoyed riding on the feeling of bliss when it came to having Oikawa in between his grasp and forgotten just how painful the fall was from the height he rose to whenever reality came through the door.

“What?”

“I said I’m going on a date this weekend,” Oikawa said, repeating what he had told Iwaizumi earlier. “With a girl.”

“Why are you even telling me? You don’t need to tell me everything.”

‘ _Especially when it_ _’_ _s about things that only hurt me._ ’

“But… you’re my best friend," Oikawa said.

There it was again. That title that Iwaizumi never seem to get out of. _Best friend_. Was that all he’ll ever be? The best friend that he ran to in the middle of the night, share sickly-sweet kisses with, then leave with the bittersweet aftertaste.

“I don’t care about that,” Iwaizumi said, the lie passing smoothly through his teeth. Of course, he cared. He cared more than he should and that was the problem. One of the problems, at least.

Oikawa was the bigger part of the problem. He was the main reason why everything was what it was now. If only that man had held back his thoughts. If he did, then Iwaizumi would’ve never known just how much he truly wanted to have Oikawa. Every other thing they did would’ve been left to his imagination and not a memory that he wished to revisit.

Even as Oikawa left, Iwaizumi said nothing because even if he did, it would’ve been no use. Oikawa couldn’t find himself in a relationship with any man at all, even if that man was Iwaizumi. Despite everything that happened, Oikawa still couldn’t accept the fact that he found his own best friend attractive.

Iwaizumi wanted to berate Oikawa on how daft he was being in regards to his sexuality but he knew it would just be another hypocritical statement when he himself was being foolish by staying in their unclear relationship.

Once again, Iwaizumi found himself looking up. He placed a hand over his chest and sighed.

“Why am I being so stupid over a person who doesn’t even seem to want me the way I want him?”

* * *

“Iwa!”

Iwaizumi’s head turned towards the door with wide eyes. He forgot to lock it, a mistake that might cost him a lot.

“Damn it,” he mumbled to himself as he got up from his sofa and ran to the door.

But he was too late. Oikawa had already let himself in.

“What is this?” Oikawa brought up his phone that had his message inbox with Iwaizumi open.

“Get out,” Iwaizumi said, looking straight into Oikawa’s eyes.

“Not until you tell me what you just sent me.”

Iwaizumi wanted to look away from Oikawa’s eyes so much but he knew if he did, it would basically be admitting defeat. And he couldn’t do that. Not now, not anymore.

Earlier he had told Oikawa that he wanted to cut off ties with him. It would’ve probably worked better if only it wasn’t done through text. But it was, and Iwaizumi couldn’t do anything anymore to unsend it. Although, if he was being honest, he probably couldn’t have done it face to face as well.

“I said get out.” Iwaizumi stepped forward. “Don’t make me force you to step out of my house.”

“Tell me why you want to cut ties first. Then I’ll leave. But only if it’s a reasonable one.”

“Even if I tell you, will you understand?” Iwaizumi gave off a dry chuckle, looking away for a short second as he did. “You don’t even understand yourself. How would you be able to comprehend how I feel?”

“Iwa, that’s not fair,” Oikawa said, his eyebrows furrowed.

“Fair? You wanna talk about fair?” Iwaizumi stared down at Oikawa despite the latter being taller than him. “This. Whatever’s happening between us? It’s not fair. I don’t even know what is and I’m tired of not knowing, Oikawa. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep waiting for you to learn how to accept who you are as I stand by and wait like an idiot.”

Oikawa looked at Iwaizumi, wordless. He couldn’t even think of a simple rebuttal because of how true every word Iwaizumi had said to him. All he knew was that he didn’t want to lose him, but that wouldn’t be enough.

At least, that was what Oikawa thought. Iwaizumi himself knew that it was taking everything in him to even push Oikawa away. He had been with him for almost all his life, damn it. How could he let go now? But he had to.

“I’ve been too dumb for too long for you, Oikawa.”

* * *

A week. That’s how long Oikawa waited before approaching Iwaizumi again. At that point, Iwaizumi thought that the aspiring pro athlete had already accepted his decision and decided to leave him alone for good. Apparently, that was nothing but wishful thinking for Iwaizumi because, at the moment, the person he wanted to avoid was there, standing behind his— now locked— door.

“Iwa, are you there?”

Iwaizumi had his left hand on the knob while his right was pushing the door close. His eyes were looking down on the floor as he listened to what Oikawa was saying. He had already told himself that whatever Oikawa had to say, he wouldn’t listen. And yet now, he was standing behind his door, fighting everything in him that was saying to unlock it and let Oikawa in.

“Iwa-chan…… I don’t know if you’re in there. Heck, I could just be standing here talking to an empty house,” Oikawa said, attempting to laugh right after. “But, I guess, in a way that’s better? I think? I can pretend that you wouldn’t actually hear what I’m saying so I won’t be afraid to tell the truth. Then again, who’s to say the shit I say is the actual truth?”

Iwaizumi closed his eyes and leaned forward on the door— softly, so Oikawa wouldn’t hear it.

“I’m sorry for hurting you…. I…. I never wanted to do that.” Oikawa paused, silently hoping that he’d get a reply. Even a hum, at least… or something. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t be what you wanted me to be for you and I can’t even lie that I wanted something more…. or is it that I can’t accept that I do?”

Another small failed attempt of a chuckle passed through his lips.

“I’m sorry,” Oikawa leaned his head on the door. “You’ve heard that so many times already, right? I’m sorry for that too. I can’t even explain why I’m like this… why I can’t even understand myself anymore.”

This time, Oikawa was finally able to laugh a little, but it was laced with nothing but pity— for himself, for Iwaizumi, and for the dreaded situation they got stuck in.

“The worst part is that it’s my problem and only mine. And it should’ve stayed that way. I’m sorry you got caught up in it this bad.”

Oikawa sighed, so loud that it ended up sounding more like him breathing out which was then soon followed by a short-lived chuckle, one that Iwaizumi knew was nothing but a dry one.

“I honestly don’t know what to say other than saying sorry over and over again. I can’t even promise answers to the questions I keep asking myself. All I know is that I don’t want to lose you, Hajime. That’s one thing I’m sure of. You’ve been with me ever since I could remember and I honestly can’t think how I would’ve been if you weren’t there.”

Oikawa stopped talking, not knowing how to continue. What else could he say? What could repair something that he didn’t even realize he ended up ruining? Was there even something that could help him at this point?

“We can be just like how we used to be before this,” he said. “This time I mean it. Tell me what you want from me and I’ll do it. I just… don’t want to lose you. Please.”

Oikawa felt his phone ringing in his pocket. He looked at the caller ID with wide eyes. For a second, he thought he was dreaming, but when he heard the caller speak from the other end, he knew it was all true.

“Don’t say things you don’t mean,” Iwaizumi said, his voice tired.

He didn’t see it but Oikawa’s expression shifted to a somewhat desperate one as he tried to think of what to say to keep Iwaizumi in his life. Were his previous words not desperate enough already?

“But I do mean it,” he said.

“You said I should tell you what I want, right?” At this point, Iwaizumi was sitting on the floor, his back pressed against the door. He looked up a little as a sarcastic laugh escaped his lips. “You ask as if you don’t know. But you do know what I want and it’s something you can’t give.”

“Is there no other way?” Oikawa asked. He was trying to stay true to his word but he didn’t want to follow through when what Iwaizumi was asking for was something he wasn’t sure he could give with a genuine heart. “Can’t we go back to being what we were before all this?”

“Don’t pretend like we never tried before, Oikawa.”

Because they did. They tried to stop whatever was going on between them but it’d only take a week or so before they go back to their old and confusing ways.

“If I went back to you, I’d fall like how I always have,” Iwaizumi said. “You were like an addicting candy I kept taking even as my tooth ached. And it hurt so much…. So goddamn much.”

“I’m sorry.” At this point, those were the only words that Oikawa could say.

“It took me so long to gather the strength to push you back,” Iwaizumi said. “I can’t let myself break just because you asked me to.”

“If you already made up your mind, then can you at least let me in for a proper goodbye?” Oikawa said, looking down. “At least give me a proper goodbye, Iwaizumi.”

“I guess this time I’m the one that’s sorry.” Iwaizumi looked forward, his eyes staring blankly at whatever his eyes could land on.

“Huh?” Oikawa didn’t understand. What could Iwaizumi be sorry for?

“Because I’m not opening that door.”

Iwaizumi didn’t want to lose Oikawa. He never did. But sometimes, you need to let go no matter how hard it may be. The right decision won’t always feel right the time you choose to do it…. But it will feel right someday.

“You… can’t give me even that?” Oikawa asked.

“No,” Iwaizumi answered with a firm voice which was in great contrast with how he truly felt. “Because I know no matter how strong I am, looking at you is enough to break down my walls and soften my resolve.” He moved the phone away from his face and stared directly at it. “So I’m sorry, Oikawa. I’m never opening that door again.”


End file.
